Saturday, March 31, 2012

India : Paunch in the Genes

Disclaimer: This post carries adult content, though in no ways intended to insult anyone. No Alpha males were harmed during the observations made. 

Travelling by metro on an early saturday morning towards Delhi, my moron cells made an important discovery.
I usually prefer travelling at the cusp of bogies, conjoining reserved women's compartment with the potpourri (that includes me). This lot primarily consist   of men who love being touched and touching others (to the point of fulfilling their carnal desires). Few love sleeping over you. 
The objective to position myself in such a place (trust me lucky few get this place) solve my two point agenda:
a. you don't have to smell "smelly-bushy" armpits of Indian Alpha male (NO matter how many ads portray desires fulfilled, bhabhis giving you lap dances and  AXING of libidos (A Pisces love exaggeration), we aka WE don't believe in applying DEODORANTS.  PERIOD!!! ). The fragrance from the other side is mesmerizing. The awry alpha male on the other side always look to this side wanting and panting for more. An unreachable territory  which for many out is desirable, intrigued eyes left wanting for more. Especially if you are around INA, jorbagh and Saket stations loads of pretty faces can be found, an eye candy. (Delhites call them totta)
Few who are brave and overenthusiastic try crossing the tormented line only to be ridiculed and sent back. The raucous aunties have their pound of flesh (You would always find one around in metro and trust me they won't get up and dance). These libidos then return with a clumsy smile. I guess that was the closest they ever got to a girl.
In the back ground someone mobiles rings "Ooh lala ooh lala, tuh hai meri fantasy !!! na na na..". Aptly said it describes the state of the men standing near that exclusive spot. The B-spot (aka BOGUS)

b. You are left amused with very interesting conversations from both ends. samples:
    "तू मुझे बहुत डांटेगी, पर मैंने ना उससे Break up कर लिया. yaar he was two timing me. कितनी परेशान हूँ मैं  !!!"
    "अरे हम कह रहे हैं ना बस पहुचते हैं , चरस बो दिए है आप  तोह!!" (and then he recites in a poetic tone, remembering mothers and sisters of our motherland)
"ओ जी, बच्चे  को सु सु  (toilet the no 1 types) लगी है ना, यही दरवाज़े पर करा दो ! gents लोगों  के लिए ही problem होती है . बच्चों के  लिए नहीं ."(I almost had a cardiac arrest after hearing this)

TRIVIA: *चरस : poppies. A kind of crude drug used by druggist across globe. 
*बो : sown. 
I can't really tell you the intricacies of where the man in question sowing these poppies. 

Unlike tube/metros around the globe you would rarely find people reading. READING !!! "man its like he is intellectual types". "Not that he is a loner but he wants to read". "inko dekho metro mein padhai kar rahe hain." To add to his travesty, people along with him start reading too. They don't read his book but read his expressions. "BHaiya ji padhai kar rahe hain!!!"

The metro stops at Saket, enters our GEN-X. O benc$@#s !! The colors subliming into one, pump up shoes from Palika bazar, the well spiked gelled harido (as a baldy I'm jealous) and a 'YO' attitude on their shoulders. I could well see scores of Mr. Kohli's,  few enter with their girlfriends. 
In our times, I would have sung "yehi hai right choice baby, aha !!"
First thoughts the alpha male first stares-glares (बाय गौड आँखों से दरिन्दिगी टपक रही है.) and then thinks - "sahi totta hai !!". There is heartburn in the air, few are left bloating and and few have been stuck with acidity only to relieve gases at an appropriate time. (The time bomb timer has been set).
Few uncles think aloud, ladies compartment toh aagey fir......!!

Midst all this lovely crow-d, I was about to discover something....
Lighting had struck me, and I saw them kissing, paunch of men kissing other paunches !!! Holy cow !!! Eureka !! I had witnessed an epiphany.
Verdict: We Indians are best suited for Jeans. Our body - made up of fat, proteins, minerals, muscles, tissues and GAS (tick tick tick!!) is physically the best place for the jeans to reside on.

Dear Jeans, its in our genes,
to imbibe thy flair,
to put you on, to test thy stitching
thy strongest cloth would hold my derriere,
my paunch would rest on thy top,
thy completes my attire,
Thy complete my attitude

O' thou and I look so good together
O'Jeans you are in my genes.

(this verbatim is a piece of literature I follow - PROFANITY)

Jeans in rugged for decades, few unwashed for years, faded, crisscrossed, few inviting (showing the most illustrious and most sensuous part of alpha male)  bum cleavages, jeans tore from the ends, few which not only cover the curves but also our very own customized bellies (soft and hard, three tier architectures etc.). 
Apart from the ones available in the market such as Boot cuts, straight cut, low waists, low bums, skinny. There is an elite design one which even covers you chest - yes these are our very own two in one.
The genes are symbolic for us, the anonymous hero which never lets you down, you take it to places (you booze, flush, fight, abuse, rest etc) and it bears everything. More over it bears the weight of your paunch sometimes by making it rest over it and  sometimes covering it. It goes in handy. If your jeans fails to cover you roundness, you can always open its button before lunch and yet it would hang in there as fateful (faithful) partner, it transpires and becomes low waist (some time low bum too). Yet it never has and perhaps never would find a mention in the books. I salute to the unsung hero. 
I dedicate thou the Haywards anthem: Hausla ho buland !!
On the other hand, the GENX has made the girl laugh and the witnesses are about to diffuse their time bombs(tick tick tick !!!).

You have kissed  paunch every thing and trust me "tu mera hero".

the tsunami of thoughts took a jerk. Our very own Shammi Narang (the voice of the metor announcer, a veteran from Doordarshan days) breaks into.
"अगला स्टेशन पटेल चौक! दरवाज़े दायीं तरफ खुलेंगे. कृपया दरवाजों से चिपक कर खड़े हों." (its not चिपक, though it goes better with the phrase, actually its हट )
My station had arrived and the silent time bomb has just been exploded. I had to get out. GO GO GO !!!
This time I saved my genes. 

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